Italian Hall Massacre of 1913

December 21, 2005

Take a trip with me to 1913.

To Calumet, Michigan, in the Copper Country.

I’ll take you to a place called Italian Hall,

Where the miners are having their big Christmas Ball.

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Santa’s Bad Day – The Birth of a Tradition

December 8, 2005

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?”

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.


Get Yer Mind Outta The Gutter

December 7, 2005

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Sixteen Serious Questions Raised By Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer

December 2, 2005

1.) WHY IS SANTA SUCH A COMPLETE BASTARD?

I’m going to say he has a chemical disorder, probably Bipolar. The
elves sing him a very nice song and he’s a total jerk about it,
leaving the desperately co-dependent Mrs. Clause to patch things up.
He has some sort of eating disorder that causes his weight to
fluctuate wildly. He tells Dasher he should be ashamed for presenting
Rudolph to the community simply because the child has some sort of
nose disorder. He only changes his mind about Rudolph once he figures
out a way to exploit him. Plus, this guy is absolutely ITCHING
to cancel Christmas. Hey Santa. It’s not your call. Christmas is the
day Jesus was born. God will let you know if Christmas is cancelled.
Until then, get in the damn sleigh.

2.) WHAT’S UP WITH CLARICE?

A generation of men my age is all screwed up because Rankin/Bass
decided to make Clarice disturbingly attractive. She’s a little
forward, a little coy, and those eyelashes! I swear to God, we should
all organize a class action suit to pay for our therapy.

3.) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE ELVES?

Why are they such fascists? Like the head elf isn’t way different than
all the others? And what about the tall elf?

Is he an engineer? Is he from MIT? Why is he tall? And how come the
head elf and the tall elf don’t get any shit but Hermy does?

4.) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE REINDEER?

Okay, Rudolph’s glowing, squealing nose is weird as shit, but why do
the other reindeer find it terrifying? What about a glowing, squealing
nose makes other reindeers pupils shrink and their bodies convulse?
And why does it mean the poor bastard can’t ‘play in any reindeer
games’? He’s the best at flying after Provocative; Jailbait Clarice comes onto him.

5.) IS IT HERMY OR HERBIE?

My word to God, he gets called both over the course of less than an
hour.

6.) IS HERMY GAY?

Yes. Forty years ago you couldn’t talk about homosexuality among
puppets on TV, so they used the word ‘dentist’ instead of ‘fag’.

7.) IS YUKON CORNELIUS GAY?

Yukon Cornelius, like 7% of the population is asexual.

8.) WHAT’S THE DEALIO ON THAT FRIGGIN’ TALKING SNOWMAN?

Forty years ago, Burl Ives, who lent his voice and a lot more of his
image than you’d think to the Talking Snowman was a big star. Now
nobody remembers hits like "The Big Rock Candy Mountain" (a song that
is actually about Hobos dying of malnutrition, exposure and
alcoholism) or "The Ugly Bug Ball" (which is actually about
unattractive bugs gathering to dance) or his Oscar winning turn as
"Big Daddy" in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof". All anyone remembers about
Burl Ives is that he is the talking snowman and they don’t even know
he was really Burl Ives. I imagine this makes the ghost of Burl Ives
just about as mad as hell.

9.) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH TIME AT THE NORTH POLE?

Okay, follow me here. Rudolph runs away from home right after Reindeer
practice. He has adventures with Herbie and Yukon Cornelius and visits
the Island of Misfit Toys. Then he leaves them behind and is off on
his own long enough to enter puberty and grow antlers. Meanwhile, his
Dad went to look for him right after he ran away, followed almost
immediately by his mom and that Little Tart Clarice. The near adult
Rudolph returns home to be informed by Santa that everyone’s gone
looking for him. We know it’s been less than a year because Santa says
he can’t fly the team without Rudolph’s dad, but it sure as hell has
been a while. Rudolph goes directly to the Abominable snowman’s cave
JUST IN TIME TO STOP HIM FROM EATING THE ODDLY PROVOCATIVE CLARICE! How are we supposed to view this sequence of
events? Where Mom, dad and Clarice looking for Rudolph for almost a
year before the Abominable caught them? It’s just a coincidence
Rudolph stumbles upon them moments after that? I think this stretches
credulity. I’m forced to assume that somewhere in the vicinity of the
Island of Misfit Toys there’s an object of immense mass, perhaps a
Fallen White Dwarf Star, and that proximity to this mass causes
relativity in time so that Rudolph has aged nearly a year while only
having left the Pole for about a day.

10.) DO CLARICE’S PARENTS JUST NOT GIVE A SHIT?

Rudolph runs away and his folks go after him. Clarice disappears and
her parents… don’t appear in the special. Is she an orphan? Is that
why she’s always on the make, looking for the love she never got?

Don’t tell me you don’t know what I’m talking about here. You want her
as much as I do and you don’t give a damn that she’s a reindeer.

11.) WHY IS KING MOON RACER SO DAMN COOL?

Aside from the fact that a Lion with wings is pretty cool to begin
with, no one knows. I mean what does he do? He’s king of an Island of
Misfit Toys and all he wants is for Santa to take them off his paws.
Then what would he be king of? A lot of Permafrost, that’s what. But
he’s still cool as hell and anyone who says he isn’t can meet me out
back for a serious beating.

12.) IS THE BUMBLE RETARDED OR WHAT?

Ten minutes before Herbie yanks his teeth out, This hulking brute
snapped a damn stalactite of the roof of his cave and beat Rudolph
unconscious with it. Now he’s harmless cause he doesn’t have teeth?
HELLO! You still have huge friggin’ claws! You’re still a friggin’
GIANT! Get another stalactite and beat Yukon Cornelius to prospector
paste instead of letting him push you off a damn cliff!

13.) WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE DOLL ON THE ‘ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS’?

She looks fine, right? She isn’t. She wouldn’t be on the ‘Island if
Misfit Toys’ if she was. Check it out. Rudy tells King Moon Racer that
if he ever gets back to the North Pole he’ll give Santa the 411 on the
Misfits. Christmas Eve, when the doll thinks Santa isn’t going to
show, she goes on a crying jag and accuses Rudolph of having promised
to help them. Okay, A.) He never made any damn promise B.) Rudolph
doesn’t run Christmas, Santa does and he’s a complete, manic
depressive bipolar bastard. I’ll tell you why the doll is a misfit.
She’s a lying little bitch.

14.) WHY DOESN’T CHARLIE IN THE BOX CHANGE HIS NAME?

You can do that, you know. Have your name changed.

15.) WHY DOESN’T THE JELLY SQUIRTING WATER PISTOL EMPTY OUT THE
JELLY AND PUT IN WATER?

I mean, it’s not brain surgery. Stop looking for Santa to solve your
problems. He’s a bastard.

16.) WHY DOES RUDOLPH AGREE TO LEAD SANTA’S SLEIGH?

I mean, when someone treats you that way, all they deserve is a swift
hoof in the nuts. I’m serious. Guide your own damn sleigh. Then when
you crash in the Andes you can eat your Reindeer to survive. Nobody
likes a skinny Santa.

Stolen from Max Burbank


World Aids Day

December 1, 2005