An Open Letter to the Evangelicals

–a heavily adapted/edited comment from Hammer of the Blogs:

Open Letter To Evangelicals (and Other Brain Dead Advocates of The Continued Disaster of The Republican Jihad)

Dear Religious Zealots and Republican Enablers,

It has come to our attention that you have been bamboozled once again by one of those hypocritical baboons you periodically kneel before in pale faced trembling and contriteness, and regale with the title of ‘spiritual leader’. As the infamous rock critic and ostensible President of the United States once tried to say, “Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on…um, won’t get fooled again.” Please take note, he apparently wasn’t talking about you.

At this point some words about the magnificent wasteland that is our public educational system should properly be deployed, but one suspects, deep in the thicket of moral midgetry that votes Republican and calls themselves Evangelical in the same breath, mere education would never suffice. There is at bottom a failure to understand something crucial and simple that gets beyond mere facts and figures and all that ciphering, as Jethro would have it. There is simply this: you and your ilk are following a long and fine American tradition. The tradition of the sucker. You are being duped by hucksters and liars and hypocrits. Again and again and again.

It was as long ago as the westward expansion that two different, yet similar, types of hucksters began to take root — P.T. Barnum and dispensationalists. Both, in the end, operated under the same moral code — it is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money — but Barnum at least had a conscience.

So the dispensationalists have recklessly infiltrated the points where US government policy intersects with everything from scientific research to the making of foreign policy. Stems cells that can cure are now banned, evolution is just another creation story, and fags can be converted just like the Jews. Shazam! Or something like that. And you, the mental midgets of the Lord, have dutifully followed along, never asking, never even bothering to look up and think for yourselves for one bright second.

Ah, yes, good mental midgets of the Lord, forget that “blessed are the peacemakers” nonsense that actually is in the Bible. Listen to your leader, Ted, the meth snorting, gay prostitute banger, what Jesus really had a problem with was — fags getting hitched.

As Hammer of the Blogs has noted, you would do yourselves and your country a tremendous favor by trying out a few of his bullet points:

Travel. And I don’t mean from the special school to the megachurch to the Christian bookstore. Go somewhere that you think rubs against your grain. Go to New York City, and deal with swarthy Central Asians careening cabs through the streets and selling suspect meats on a stick. Go to San Francisco and watch those awful dirty homos holding hands as they walk down the street. Notice how once you take a deep breath, none of it really has anything to do with the emotionally stunted impulses you’ve grown to know and love like a deep grudge: a nasty grudge that you have been using the political process to project all these years.
Read a book other than the Bible or The Purpose-Driven Life. Read a newspaper other than the Washington Times or that craven conservarag in your local market. Watch something other than Fox News for once. The Bible (at least the New Testament) is fine for seeking some sort of moral grounding in the constant tumult of life. Rush Limbaugh is great in gaining some insight into how hypocritical drug addicts think. For understanding the interdependent complexities of running a safe, secure, efficient superpower that comprises only 5% of God’s most exalted creations, not so much. God gave you a brain; use it or lose it.
Stay home next Tuesday. Seriously. Just do us all a favor and sit this one out. You have demonstrated quite clearly that you either don’t know or don’t care that you’ve been had. Your leaders are toxic loons — Pat Robertson, James Dobson, Ted Haggard — who know nothing about anything other than which of your emotional buttons to push to get your wallet open. Homophobia appears to be one of the buttons. Stupid Presidents, the other. Your choice of political leaders is even worse then your choice of religious leaders, by the way. They have not gotten anything right, and have wasted tens of thousands of lives and hundreds of billions of dollars chasing their tails, pissing off the rest of the world, and — wait for it — lining their own pockets in the process. Are we starting to see a pattern here yet?
That’s about as nice as I can possibly put it. You were wrong, the consequences have been catastrophic, and the rest of the world can’t and won’t take much more of this silliness, this willful ignorance. The world is not 6,000 years old; Bush is a liar and a fool; evolution is scientifically provable, except in the case of Ann Coulter.

So take a break from the muck of worldly concerns. Go back to church, not in abject regret, but in the spirit of humility and curiosity and intellectual honesty. Quit worrying about what your neighbors might be doing and mind your own business. You are not God’s lawyer; if He really does have a problem with The Gay, then He will handle it. Beyond that, I suspect you’re going to have enough problems wedging your own silly souls into heaven without worrying about the condition of anyone elses.

In the end, like the rest of us, you are on this planet to learn. At some point, you should really start.

Everyone Else.


Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: